Invisible

My apologies if I accidentally copied a certain word in the previous title of this nonsense i call my blog.

As you can see, I just changed it.

See through what cannot be seen.

Open your eyes and see what’s beyond sight.

Whoa.

Friendster has really changed a lot since its conception.  Look what we have here, there’s a blog, a photo album, and a chat feature already.

I wonder what they’ll come up with next.  An auction site perhaps?

Anyway, I’m not really a fan of blogsites.  Heck, I don’t really like telling stories of what really goes on in my daily life.

Not that a lot actually happens.

I lead a monotonous life, more or less.

I take pleasure in simple things.  But I can’t say I have simple dreams.

I don’t. In fact my dreams are unattainable.  But hey, that’s what dreams are for, right?

All I do is try my best to make sense of life.

I’ve learned so much from other people. And that learning made me realize further how inconsequential the life I have is.

But enough about self pity and rants about the miseries of life.

I call this post the Cave Entrance, because I wanted it to be some sort of an intro for this place.

Truth be told, I needed a new home.

A place where I can freely speak.  Away from people. From friends and foes.

I seek solitude.

A dark cave, smelling strongly of the earth, dominated by nature spirits.

I can think of no other more suitable place to dwell in.

i remember barely a year ago, when i attended a talk from a certain distinguised person.

she gave a very nice speech, a lecture of sorts.

integrity epidemic, she said. that we should start our own epidemic and make them spread like wildfire into the masses.

great speakers are like that. no matter how sublime nor uninteresting the subject is, the message sticks to your mind long after it’s over.

anyway, the gist of her speech is this: (and i’m injecting some of my own thoughts too. as i can’t remember everything)

that there’s some good in all of us, that we should try to pull out that good thing and make an example to others. that’s the best way we can change the deteriorating condition of our country.

admittedly, we all have faults. we all actually have more faults than we care to admit.

but if we focus on what’s special about us, and set an example, chances are, it will rub off on other people as well.

have you ever felt ashamed of doing something good because you were afraid that others will embarass you and laugh at you because you’ll look baduy or jologs or whatever?

i have, once. i froze. a long time ago, there was this old lady in front of me walking, and she mis-stepped, and fell on her knees. my heart said to help her get up, but my mind brought up images of humiliation and misconceptions.

and i stood there, dumfounded. frozen on my tracks.

still regretting the opportunity to have exemplified something good up to now.

i remember too, a very common thing that happens in the lrt or in buses. call me baduy or whatever, but i always give up my seat whenever there’s a lady around, may she be young or old (specially for the elderly). i can hear people from the back teasing me, calling me boyscout and such things. even the konduktor was making fun of me. and i did feel ashamed at that moment.

but looking back, i know i did something good and didn’t regret it.

now which one among those stories is better?

the first where i did what the other people did, then felt ashamed after?

or is it the second one where i felt ashamed first, then felt good later?

you decide.

my point is just this: even if our lives are full of flaws, there’s at least one good thing inside each of us. bring that good out and spread it.

forget about what others are doing or thinking. it is this mindset that prevents us from doing what’s right. 10, 15 years from now, no one will remember your humiliation. but people will remember what you did, first because it deviates from the norms, next is because it was good.

it’s a chance for immortality.

in time, our generation will change for the better.

hopefully.

tonight i spoke with an angel
borne of dreams, of hopes, of fantasy.
her wings so light, her voice soothing and gentle.
her long hair flowing like silk as if blown by a soft breeze.

it has been a while since last i laid eyes on her.
and yet the enchantment lingers.
i am mesmerized, and enthralled.

i never believed in heaven nor hell.
and seeing her proved one thing…

that an angel appeared before me.
hinting truths that i must be in heaven.

yet i know that if such a place exists, i can never be there.

and i realize.

that like an angel, all of this… is unreal.

i remember the look in her eyes.
those soft, sweet lips.
that slight smile.
her pretty face that beckons me.

i have been haunted,
enchanted by her.
i cannot break free.
and i like it.

in my mind the image of her calls to me.
and i nestled myself within her arms.
i was in a dream.

and in the few moments between waking and sleeping.
i yearn for her to reappear.

twisted truths…

How can we be truly happy when somewhere, someone is suffering?
How can we enjoy life when all around us there’s hardships?

I thought I could act positive for a time…
But life always finds a way to show me its harsh realities: That while I languish on material things, thinking of solving my insignificant petty problems, there’s always people out there who’s suffering.

That’s why I can never think highly of myself. I feel diminished and shallow because of my thoughts and actions.

My life is incomparable to those of other people.

When the time comes when the spirits of all those who lived in my generation congregate, I fear that mine wouldn’t contribute much to the earth spirit’s mortal experiences.

A whole lifetime wasted.

I never knew then
And I’ll never know now.
Aimlessly treading the pathways of life.
A spark, a minute thought.
That’s all there is left for me to see
And at every footstep, marks I left
Of past memories. Of hopes, regrets.
I closed my eyes
And continued walking
Aimlessly drifting
Searching for a purpose.

I try to smile. I try to take my mind off of things that I shouldn’t be dwelling on.

But I can’t.

Sometimes, the apparent craziness works. Sometimes I really do feel happy.

But I think too much, and this is my flaw. This would be my undoing.

I am an unwilling empath. The ironies of life stare into me. Even when i try to look away, I see them.

I feel other people’s struggles, and pains. They strike me as if I were the one experiencing them.

And it hurts. It torments my spirit.

I shed tears for those who feel pain because I feel them too.

My soul now full of scars, and wounds that still bleed.

Wracked by the cruelty and unfairness of life.

Shadows surround me
And my vision is blurred.
My mind races quickly
My thoughts, shifting, disturbed.

Nothing but doom enters my mind.
Impending danger, of truths unkind.
And all I did was run
No options left… just race away: run

And then I came to the place I sought
The throne of power where wars were fought.
And as I sat, my evils were purged.
I smiled, as my demons submerged.

C.R. for short

I stood and watched the man approach. In his hands lay a large weapon crafted from my brother’s limbs,
the metallic blade still drenched with the blood of my comrades.

I looked at the man closely. Quite young, with a stern face and that murderous gleam in his eyes.

I wonderered what happened. It seemed long ago when both his kind and mine lived together in peace. My kind provided shelter while men like him thrived and developed.

We watched these people become murderers.

We were persecuted — burned… cut down, shredded and strewn into many pieces.

What have we done to them that they bear such animosity against us?

I felt the first strike of his weapon hit my exposed body.

The pain swelled and spread… but I dared not scream. No, I did not give him the satisfaction.

A second strike. And I felt my life’s blood dripping fast down my body.

In my dazed mind, I thought: this must stop.

I grabbed his weapon. Took hold of my brother’s limbs. Swung the wicked blade at the man…. once, twice. I didn’t know when I stopped.

All I knew is that his blood trickled to the ground … down to my roots.

I sipped and drank much of it. And it felt good.

I drank a lot, even devoured his mutilated corpse.

and my leaves turned red.

this blood wasn’t enough to satisfy my thirst for vengeance.